Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses Page 4
David did something helpful: He remembered. He listed all the times when God had made a difference in his past.
Everyone has experienced God’s loving activity at a pivotal moment in his or her life. I’ve had those moments. You’ve had those moments. We may not have recognized them every time, but God has been actively involved in our lives from day one.
Think about it.
Have you ever had a narrow escape from a tough situation and felt that an invisible bodyguard had protected you? Have you considered the possibility that God was the one that rescued you?
Have you ever received a blessing you know you didn’t earn? God is the giver of all good gifts.
It is a delightful and profitable occupation to mark the hand of God in the lives of ancient saints, and to observe His goodness in delivering them, His mercy in pardoning them, and His faithfulness in keeping His covenant with them. But would it not be even more interesting and profitable for us to mark the hand of God in our own lives? Ought we not to look upon our own history as being at least as full of God, as full of His goodness and of His truth, as much a proof of His faithfulness and veracity, as the lives of those who have gone before? Let us review our own lives. Surely in these memories we will discover incidents refreshing to ourselves and glorifying to our God.
CHARLES SPURGEON
Have you ever steered away from trouble and toward something more noble because something inside you quietly craved purity? Only God makes people want to be holy.
Have you ever made a good decision that took you in a surprisingly positive direction just because you felt “led”? My hunch is that God was speaking to you.
Have you ever gone through a hard time, only to discover later that those difficult circumstances prepared you for something greater in your life? God is good at bringing something of great value out of adversity.
Many of us have probably discounted moments like these and considered them coincidence, luck, or a fluke. Or perhaps we celebrated some of these divine interventions but lost sight of them in the fog of the daily grind of life. The real question is not whether we have had moments when God intervened in our lives. The question is: What have we done with them?1
Remembering God’s presence with me in the past gives me the faith and courage to handle the situations I face now. But how easy it is to forget! The memory dulls. We go to retrieve something from our mental files, only to find the cabinet locked.
Yet we must remember, because memories can beef up our courage. For years I’ve used the technique of recalling positive memories to empower my clients for peak performance. I’ve worked with a number of top collegiate athletes who struggle with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. They need to prepare themselves mentally to compete, and as they anticipate an upcoming event, they have a choice. They can rehearse the times in their pasts when they made mistakes or major blunders and fell apart under pressure, or they can recall the times they operated at their optimal level. Which memories do you think have the ability to spur them to success?
If recalling positive memories enhances the performance of an athlete facing a challenging competition, imagine the difference it can make in building our faith for managing today’s pressures and tomorrow’s deadlines.
Remind yourself that God is with you and nothing can defeat Him.
NORMAN VINCENT PEALE
It seems so simple. I suppose it is. Perhaps we try to make life too complicated and the solutions too difficult.
I think that, in some ways, our spiritual life becomes dwarfed when we forget our past. There is a propensity in our high-pressured, fast-paced society to allow the urgent demands of today and the worries of tomorrow to dominate our thinking. We live in the information age, and it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that if we just gather more facts, secure more data, or run tighter calculations, our problems will be solved. But there comes a time when we need to stop seeking more information or advice and make remembering our prescription of choice.
When Nathan was born with Down syndrome, John and I went through a deep grieving process. We gathered information about the diagnosis, read book after book, and talked with specialist after specialist. We wanted to understand our son’s condition to the best of our ability.
But stockpiling information didn’t heal our pain. In fact, there were times when we didn’t want to read another word or hear another thing from anyone about Down syndrome because the information that increased our awareness also fueled our fears. When we thought about our future of raising a mentally retarded son, we needed more than information. We needed some real-life, rock-solid reminders that God had not abandoned us. We needed some tangible reasons to hope. That’s what remembering gives us.
Doesn’t it make sense to build your faith on what you do know rather than on what you don’t know? There are a lot of things I don’t know. I don’t know why Nathan was born with Down syndrome. I don’t know why he hasn’t been able to learn to talk. I don’t know whether or not he will ever have the capacity to live and work on his own. Only time will tell. And I could spend a lot of time focusing on all the things I don’t know and watch my faith erode. Or I can spend my time rehearsing what I know for sure.
I do know that God loves Nathan and has a plan and purpose for his life. I do know that Nathan has gifts and abilities that are allowing him to make valuable contributions to this world. I do know that though there are many difficulties and sorrows inherent in raising a child with a handicap, there are also many joys. Nathan is teaching us lessons about life and love that we probably would not have learned without him in our family.
How about you? What truths do your stories tell? When did God intervene in your past and help you survive losses and disappointments? If you need help remembering, just ask God. He can open your eyes and help you see a bigger picture.
Jesus said, “The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26, emphasis mine).
Why? Because when our heart is burdened and we need encouragement, remembering matters.
Recalling empowers us.
Reflecting energizes us.
Reminiscing refreshes and restores our sense of balance.
Remember that nothing is going to happen to you today that you and God cannot handle together.
MILDRED WILLIAMSON
CHAPTER FIVE
RUN
TO
GOD
RUN TO GOD. IT SOUNDS SO BASIC. BUT WHEN WE’RE IN pain, our first tendency is often to retreat from everyone, including God. We run in all kinds of directions by keeping ourselves excessively busy. We turn to activities, food, alcohol, novels, shopping, entertainment, and other people to mask our pain. Rollo May said it well: “It is an old and ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way.”
In our times of letting go, God is the one we need to run to because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He’s the specialist who can give us insight into our needs. He’s the chief guide who can offer direction when we’re confused by the path before us. He’s the caretaker of our souls who can give us strength and courage when we’re afraid to let go.
Scripture provides a sturdy signpost when we find ourselves on a dangerous road:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
PROVERBS 3:5–6
One of the best coping skills I know for dealing with the painful realities of life is to tune your mind-set to watch for God’s activities. You’ll find what you’re looking for.
There is rarely a complete silence in our soul. God is whispering to us well nigh incessantly. Whenever the sounds of the world die out in the soul, or sink low, then we hear these whisperings of God. He is always whispering to us, only we do not always hear because of the noise, hurry, and distraction which life causes as it rushes on.
FREDERICK WILLIAM FABER
Look around you right now. Find five things that are the color green or have green in them. With your mind-set tuned to look for green, the color green will start to jump out at you. Your eye will be drawn to a green shirt, a green book, leaves on flowers, a green notebook or pen. Have you ever noticed that after you’ve bought a new car, you begin to notice every other car like yours on the road? People find what they are looking for. If you’re looking for conspiracies, you’ll find them. If you’re looking for God’s perfect plan, you’ll find it too.
When Nathan was diagnosed with Down syndrome, John and I were abruptly faced with the difficult assignment of letting go of many things we held near and dear to our hearts. We had to let go of our agenda for our lives, of our dreams for a healthy baby, of my professional position because much more of my energy was needed at home, of once-cherished areas of church involvement, of some of our free time, of my creative writing for five years, and of a few relationships due to lack of time and cultivation. It was a dark season of grief for all of us. But perspective arrived in an unexpected package one afternoon shortly after we brought Nathan home from the hospital.
I received a phone call from a friend. Knowing I had my hands full trying to adjust to so many changes, Kay said, “I’m coming over to clean your house. What’s a good day?”
Kay showed up on my doorstep a couple of days later with our friend, Delight. What a sight greeted me when I opened the front door! These two looked like they had just stepped off the set of a science-fiction movie. They wore buckets on their heads, gas masks on their faces, combat boots, striped socks, and aprons over outfits that would have been rejected by the homeless.
They had come to make me laugh. And it worked!
Kay and Delight’s visit was far more significant to me than the laughter—or the clean floors and dusted furniture they left behind. Kay is the mother of two, Kurt and Kara. We had known the family for many years because their son was in our youth group years ago when John and I worked with teenagers. Kara, their youngest, had been born with cerebral palsy and over the years had undergone extensive surgical procedures. For twelve years Kay had walked the path I was just beginning.
When I saw her standing there in that crazy getup on my porch, smiling from ear to ear, I remembered the many times I had seen her in the past and thought, She has such burdens. How can she be so happy?
I plopped myself in our big stuffed chair in the living room to nurse Nathan and said, “Kay, I’m struggling with something. I don’t know how to view Nathan’s handicap from God’s perspective. How do you see it?”
Wise lady that she is, Kay didn’t give me any platitudes or pat answers. Instead, she pointed me to Scripture. One of the passages that had been meaningful to her family since Kara’s birth, she told me, was John 9. I had my copy of The Message at hand. Eager for some answers, I immediately picked it up and began to read:
Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”
Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do.”
JOHN 9:1–3, THE MESSAGE, EMPHASIS MINE
Those verses gave me a fresh perspective that brisk fall afternoon. They challenged me to look for God in the midst of my daily grind. I resolved to quit trying to figure it all out and to believe that God would be working in our family as we made the adjustments needed to welcome Nathan.
Look instead for what God can do. I pondered those words for a long time as I held Nathan that day. I wondered how the blind man felt before Jesus came into his life. My hunch is that he assumed he would always be shrouded in darkness. Little did he know that he was headed for historical significance. Little did he know that one day he would stand boldly before the religious leaders of Jerusalem and testify to God’s healing power in his life.
Who can give you and me the ability to believe that we have a future?
God.
Who can give you and me the faith to believe that our children are in God’s hands—no matter what?
God.
Who can give us the faith to believe that God will have His way in our children’s lives when circumstances seem to be pointing another direction?
God.
God challenges you and me to let go of our effort to make sense out of unexpected enigmas and to have eyes of faith for ourselves, our children, our marriages, our jobs, and our ministries. He says, “I know the plans I have for you.… They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.… When you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest” (Jeremiah 29:11–13, TLB).
God, with a full awareness of our weaknesses, wounds, handicaps, and disappointments, challenges us to run to Him. To place our trust in Him. Even when our hearts are breaking. Even when our logic screams that He doesn’t care or that He has made a terrible mistake.
In the end, He will use us in His own special way. He will orchestrate our unique, divine assignments. And nothing can stop Him from achieving His purposes.1
In the midst of the pain and confusion that often accompany letting go, we need to run to God and say, God, I need Your help. Give me Your perspective. Let my eyes see as You see. Let my heart hear Your heart. Grant me insight into what You are doing in my life right now. Show me what I need to do to cooperate with You in my healing.
And then, dear friend, pay very close attention to the people who cross your path and the situations that present themselves. Be mindful of the insights that bubble to the surface and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Because God will be faithful to answer those kinds of prayers.
If you keep watch over your hearts, and listen for the voice of God and learn of Him, in one short hour you can learn more from Him than you could learn from man in a thousand years.
JOHANN TAULER
CHAPTER SIX
RELEASE
THE
FEELINGS
PAINFUL EMOTIONS ARE BUILT INTO THE LETTING-GO process. No matter what we have to let go of, whether it’s sending our youngest off to kindergarten or saying a final good-bye to our spouse of more than fifty years, we will feel grief. We will feel some degree of sadness, ambivalence, emptiness, anger, or confusion. These feelings aren’t bad. They’re normal, and it’s necessary for us to feel them.
Time and again, psychiatric research has shown that an important part of letting go is feeling. Feeling leads to release. Denying, stuffing, or numbing our feelings with some sort of addictive behavior only prolongs and intensifies our grief. It blocks us from moving on in life.
I remember the ache in my empty arms after our first baby died halfway to term. With my postpartum hormones raging, the grief was more than I wanted to endure. At the counselingcenter one morning I said to a colleague, “I wish therewere a pill I could take that would make these feelings go away.”
He was very kind and, like a good friend, spoke the truth in love: “I can sure understand that, but then you would just have to work through your grief later.”
He was making a point that I understand more fully now. Letting go demands that we feel and ride out our painful emotions. When we are feeling our pain, we are progressing. We tend to get mixed up about this process. We think that if we feel pain deeply, we are losing it, cracking up, or getting ready for the funny farm. Nothing is further from the truth. When we are feeling, we are moving ahead through the grief process.
I have a few statements I like to teach my clients:
Fish swim, birds fly, people feel.
Feeling is healing.
We get stuck in our pain not because we don’t care, but because we don’t give ourselves permission to feel.
In our book Women and Stress, Jean Lush and I share sixteen creative ways to release feelings constructively. 1 When we talk about managing em
otions, we use a simple diagram of a storage pot. We are all storage pots. Scraps of emotion are collected in our pots: anger, jealousy, guilt, fear, joy, sorrow, excitement. In the process of letting go, all sorts of emotional scraps pile up in the pot. These scraps create tension. Our emotions are aroused, churning inside, and we begin feeling agitated, troubled, conflicted, tied up in knots, and out of sorts.
In the midst of this agitation, it’s important to remember some basic truths of nature. First, tension is energy, and energy will always strive to be discharged. Discharge may come in a variety of ways, depending on our natural predisposition and choices.
Some people are fighters. They rarely close their lids. Whenever they are tense, they immediately unload their tension, regardless of the cost. They act out their emotions. Their rule of thumb is to find inner peace at any price. Fighters feel much better after blowing off steam, even though those around them may end up splattered on the pavement.
Other people are what I call “fighters.” They have mastered the skill of sitting on the lid of their pot. Since the tension isn’t discharged outwardly, it gets discharged inwardly. Flighters commonly suffer from psychosomatic illnesses and depression and engage in behaviors like avoidance and procrastination. Their motto is, “I must keep peace at any price.”