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Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses
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“PAM’S WRITING SPEAKS TO THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE living. With sensitivity and insight, Pam gently prompts the reader to take a new direction. She brings hope and healing where before there was only darkness. I’d recommend this book to be read again and again.”
H. NORMAN WRIGHT, COUNSELOR AND AUTHOR OF RECOVERING FROM THE LOSSES OF LIFE AND WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
“IN PAM VREDEVELT’S GENTLE YET KNOWLEDGEABLE STYLE, we are taken by the hand and shown how to hang onto hope while letting go of disappointments and recovering joy from painful losses. Whether it is you who has suffered a loss, or someone you dearly love, you will be thankful you found this book.”
LISA WHELCHEL, AUTHOR OF THE FACTS OF LIFE AND OTHER LESSONS MY FATHER TAUGHT ME
LETTING GO OF DISAPPOINTMENTS AND PAINFUL LOSSES
published by Multnomah Books
© 2001 by Pam Vredevelt
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible,
New International Version © 1973, 1984 by International Bible Society,
used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.
Also quoted:
The Amplified Bible (AMP) © 1965, 1987 by Zondervan Publishing House.
The Message © 1993 by Eugene H. Peterson.
The Living Bible (TLB) © 1971. Used by permission of
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved.
New American Standard Bible (NASB) © 1960, 1977, 1995
by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version (NKJV) © 1984 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.
Multnomah and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission.
For information:
MULTNOMAH BOOKS
12265 ORACLE BOULEVARD, SUITE 200
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO 80921
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Vredevelt, Pam W., 1955–
Letting go of disappointments and painful losses / by Pam Vredevelt.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-76947-3
1. Consolation. 2. Disappointment—Religious aspects, Christianity.
3. Loss (Psychology)—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.
BV4909.V74 2001
248.8′6—dc21 2001003318
v3.1
To my father,
Charles S. Walker,
who has skillfully let go of significant
disappointments and painful losses in his life.
Thank you for faithfully hanging on to God and
wisely investing the gifts and talents God has given you.
I want to follow in your footsteps.
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION:
Why Can’t I Let Go?
CHAPTER 1:
Relax and Receive
CHAPTER 2:
Recognize That What Is, Is
CHAPTER 3:
Relinquish Control to God
CHAPTER 4:
Remember
CHAPTER 5:
Run to God
CHAPTER 6:
Release the Feelings
CHAPTER 7:
Revisit the Basics
CHAPTER 8:
Revise Expectations
CHAPTER 9:
Refocus
CHAPTER 10:
Rest in God
Group Discussion Questions
Notes
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
BILL JENSEN, YOU ARE A VISIONARY WITH A SIXTH SENSE about the publishing world. Thank you for inviting me to do the Letting Go series. I continue to be a bit baffled by your confidence in me. But it keeps me humbly on my knees, asking God to show me what He wants to say through this less-than-perfect vessel.
Holly Halverson, you have bolstered me in the editing process with your encouraging feedback and sharp mind on task. Thank you for your excellent questions, which have caused me to clarify my message and carefully consider my word choice. It is a delight to team with you.
Judith St. Pierre, I appreciate your structural precision and ability to skim the dross off of my manuscript. You know how to bring the gold to the surface and make a writer look good.
I’d also like to say a special thanks to David Webb for adding your refining touches to this book at a time when you were buried with many other projects. I appreciate the sacrifices you made on my behalf.
Don and Brenda Jacobson, I see God’s hand on you, and it is a great privilege to partner with you for the kingdom. You facilitate the penetration of God’s light into darkness. Thank you for counting the cost, paying the price, and persevering. I believe that what God has ahead for you is absolutely going to blow your mind.
John, Jessie, Ben, and Nathan, you have taught me many lessons about holding things loosely and letting go. Thank you for your love and support as I’ve pecked away at the keyboard through the years. Your enthusiasm for my books puts a smile on my face.
INTRODUCTION
WHY CAN’T I
LET GO?
IN MY COUNSELING OFFICE AND DURING MY TRAVELS AS A speaker, I frequently hear these kinds of questions from men and women:
“How can I let go of my disappointment?”
“How do I move on after the death of my dream?”
“How will I ever experience joy after the loss I’ve suffered?”
“How can I let go of the life I thought was mine and receive the best God has to give?”
These souls genuinely long for rock-solid answers in the midst of the disappointing and harsh realities of their lives.
During the last several years, I’ve asked more than one thousand people this question: What are you finding difficult to let go of at this time in your life? Here’s what many of them said:
I am finding it hard to let go of …
… a friendship that went sour.
… a job I loved and lost to corporate change.
… my teenager who has gone astray.
… my shameful past.
… my spouse of fifty-two years.
… my reputation after I made a terrible mistake.
… my childhood dreams, which aren’t realistic anymore.
… my son/daughter who recently married and moved away.
… my stillborn baby.
… my keepsakes that were lost in a fire.
… my expectations that things would turn out the way I wanted.
… my health.
In every season of life, we are faced with disappointing situations and disturbing emotions that we must learn to let go of for our own good. Letting go, however, requires us to confront many of the core values of our culture.
People today value competence, achievement, gain, accumulation, control, self-sufficiency, and independence. Capitalizing on our fear of losing these things, advertisers cultivate our appetites not only to hang on tight to whatever we have, but also to seek ever more “stuff” in order to feel satisfied. Television commercials hammer the message into our psyches: “The more you have, the more valued, powerful, sexy, and successful you will be.” Of course, the flip side
of this message is: “The less you have, the less valued, powerful, sexy, and successful you will be.” It’s a deceptive, toxic thesis that sets us up for disappointment and undermines our sense of contentment. Although our culture conditions us to hang on, peace and true satisfaction come with letting go.
Cheryl, a woman who came to me for counseling, told me that before she had quadruple-bypass heart surgery, she experienced a pervasive feeling of emptiness. “I bought bigger houses and nicer cars, filled more closets with clothes, and redecorated every year. I wanted more, more, more to fill the hole inside. I kept thinking, If I just have more, the emptiness will go away.
But Cheryl’s heart attack and subsequent surgery changed things. Life-threatening situations typically do. In preparation for her hospital stay, she packed a small, dark green suitcase with a few personal belongings. All the items fit neatly in her compact canvas bag-on-wheels. During her recovery, she used the same robe, the same slippers, the same comb, and the same brush every day. She read from one of the two books she had brought with her, selected from her library of hundreds.
One afternoon, Cheryl was surprised by the contentment she felt. “I was rummaging through my suitcase, which contained five or six items from home,” she said, “and it dawned on me that the emptiness was gone. The surgery had gone well. The prognosis was good. God had granted me life. I had everything I needed.” A month later, Cheryl and a friend held a three-day garage sale at which she sold much of what she had accumulated over the years. “More isn’t necessarily better,” she concluded. “When I let go of all that stuff, I let go of the illusions that came with it.”
Cheryl’s physical illness had facilitated emotional healing. The heart surgery had been successful on two counts: It had given her another chance to live, and it had helped her release her grip on the clutter that was holding her hostage.
Our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose.
C. S. LEWIS
We all have holes in our souls. But acknowledging this takes courage because we don’t easily accept and embrace weakness, need, loss, or suffering. For the most part, we harbor a subtle contempt for the debilities or deficiencies we perceive in ourselves and others. As a result, we end up rejecting key parts of our humanity. We gloss over our needs rather than admit them. We deny, minimize, or at least sidestep many forms of suffering. The result? We are left to struggle with our afflictions alone in the dark.
God never intended for us to suffer alone. From the very beginning of time, He has wanted people to enjoy intimate relationships with Him and others. He longs to walk arm-in-arm with us—and to provide empathetic friends to walk with us—through the sorrows and sufferings that are an inevitable part of life in this world. Connections matter. When we withdraw, detach, or close God and others out of our suffering, we turn away from our source of life and derail our own healing. In relationship with God and others, however, we can find the safety to let go and begin to heal.
When I think back over my own life—the disappointments, the losses, the times of deep sadness and overwhelming anxiety—I can see that my greatest moments of relief came when I sensed that God or a trusted friend was truly present with me in my pain. It was as if someone opened the door on my darkness, walked in, sat down with me, and, with full acceptance, waited. My brokenness was our meeting place. Inner peace and healing were born within that connection. That companionship in my suffering brought relief, even though the circumstances evoking the pain remained the same.
We are all vulnerable to disappointment and painful loss. As you read the pages that follow, you will meet many people who, like you, have suffered deep sorrow. I pulled some of the stories from my personal journals. Others came from people with whom I’ve had the privilege of crossing paths, people who have taught me about holding things loosely. I hope the ideas and stories in this book will raise your awareness that you are not alone in your struggles and that you do not have to bear your burdens in isolation.
There is a Companion awaiting your invitation. God sees. He cares. Your painful disappointments matter to Him, and He has not abandoned you in your pain. Nor is your pain an obstacle to His work in you. Your point of brokenness may very well become the place where He moves powerfully in a holy visitation. Through various sufferings I have learned that the empty places created by letting go become the places God can fill with His richest blessings.
May God enable us all to become skilled artisans in letting go.
God is a specialist when the anguish is deep. His ability to heal the soul is profound … those who rely on His wounded Son will find relief
CHUCK SWINDOLL
CHAPTER ONE
RELAX
AND
RECEIVE
TRY A LITTLE EXERCISE WITH ME. I’D LIKE YOU TO CLENCH your fist into a ball, squeeze as hard as you possibly can, and count to ten. Study your hand as you do so.
Ready? Go. S-q-u-e-e-e-e-z-e.
Okay, now relax. How did your fist feel, gripping so tightly? What did it look like? Can you describe the sensations you felt? How did it feel to release your grip and open your hand after you counted to ten?
When your hand was clenched, it was uncomfortable, wasn’t it? Tense. Bloodless. Unable to move freely. Not only that, but it wasn’t able to do what it was designed to do. Your hand was closed, unable to receive. But when you let go and opened your hand, you could feel the blood returning to your fingers, couldn’t you? Your hand became warm again. It relaxed, the discomfort left, and you felt relief. Your fingers moved naturally, and your hand was in a much better position to receive.
There are similarities between our physical bodies and our psyches. When we go through life grasping, clinging, clutching, and desperately trying to hang on to things that should naturally be released, we ache. We get tied up in knots. We become emotionally constricted and locked up in pain. We lose freedom of movement in our lives and feel paralyzed.
None of us enjoys loss. The world teaches us to avoid it at all costs. We don’t like to let go of something we treasure, love, value, or simply own. When we are forced to let go of something, it usually ends up with claw marks all over it.
Billy Graham tells a story about a small boy caught playing with an extremely valuable vase. The little guy had put his hand into the vase but couldn’t take it out. His father tried his best to help him, but all his efforts were in vain.
They were thinking gloomily of breaking the beautiful vase when the father sighed and said, “Now, son, try one more time. Open your hand and hold your fingers out straight as you see me doing, and then pull.”
To his dad’s astonishment the little fellow said, “Oh no, Father. I couldn’t put my fingers out like that. If I did, I’d drop my penny!”1
Smile if you will, but truth be told, you and I are a lot like that little boy—so busy holding on to what we should be letting go of that we cannot accept freedom.
When Carl came to see me, his wife had just told him that she had found a lover and no longer wanted to be married. Looking at the floor and shaking his head in utter disbelief, he said, “I know I have my faults, but divorce? I just never thought it would come to this.” As far as his wife was concerned, the relationship was over, and Carl wanted help in adjusting to the many losses that accompanied the divorce. At sixty-four, he thought that starting over was an impossible task.
During the months that followed, Carl and Nancy divided their assets, signed papers, and committed to parting amicably. Carl moved out, purchased another home, and tried to begin a new life. After the divorce was finalized, he dated off and on but continued to call Nancy on a regular basis. Whenever he came into my office after seeing her, Carl was in a downward spiral. Hanging on was killing him. Choosing my words carefully, I commented on the obvious pattern, but severing the connection was not his solution of choice.
The following morning, Carl worked on some projects in his garage for a couple of hours. Shaking his head in exasperation, he said, “I was all fingers. It was as if everything I reached for was just beyond my grasp. I’d go to pick up a tool, miss it by an inch, and slam my hand into something else.” The red marks on his knuckles told the story.
Carl was insightful, and I wondered aloud if he saw the thread woven throughout the incidents he had just described. He pondered the question, but nothing seemed to surface.
I offered a suggestion: “Could those dreams and your experience in the garage the next morning be expressions of the conflict you feel from trying to hang on to Nancy?”
Light dawned. After a few moments of quiet thought, he looked at me and said, “Yes. I believe that about hits the nail on the head.”
The session ended shortly thereafter, and a month later Carl scheduled another appointment with me. This time he looked rested and stood an inch taller. I sensed his grief, but I also detected less agitation and a more forward focus. I commented on this and asked if he could identify what had made the difference.
He said, “I’ve quit grasping.”
An infant is born with a clenched fist, but an old man dies with an open hand.
Life has a way of prying loose our grasp on all that seems so important.
Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses