Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses Read online

What happens when we deny, block, stuff, or numb the pain surrounding our disappointments?

  When you suffer emotional pain, how do you typically respond? Do you tend to keep the feelings inside, or do you tend to let the feelings out?

  What did Sarah’s story teach you about coping with pain?

  God often displays His divine power through our weaknesses. What weakness would you like to invite God to touch and use for His glory? As a group, please pray for one another in these areas.

  CHAPTER 3: RELINQUISH CONTROL TO GOD

  Read John 15:1–2. Can you recall a time in your life when God’s pruning changed you for the better? Please explain.

  Surrender often opens the door to the grieving process. Have you experienced this in your life? How?

  Do you sense God wanting you to relinquish areas of control? What are they?

  When we let go, we stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible. How can you apply this idea to your life this week?

  Why do you think relinquishing control to God is so difficult? Pray for one another to grow in the ability to surrender to God.

  CHAPTER 4: REMEMBER

  Read Psalm 77 again. What do you learn about David from his expression of emotion in this psalm?

  Can you recall pivotal experiences of God’s loving activity in your life? Please share some of those incidents with others in your group.

  What makes it difficult for you to remember the times God has been good to you in the past?

  In the text I asked the question: Doesn’t it make sense to build your faith on what you do know instead of on what you don’t know? Make a list of what you do know, and share it with your group.

  Join together in prayer and offer thanks for the times God has been good to you in the past.

  CHAPTER 5: RUN TO GOD

  When you are deeply disappointed, what is your first natural reaction?

  Where do you typically “run to”?

  Read John 9:1–3. What was Jesus trying to teach His disciples?

  Jeremiah 29:11–13 is God’s promise to you. What does this mean with regard to the disappointments you suffer?

  Can you recall a disappointing situation in your past where it was obvious that God was with you, helping you, and working things out for your good?

  Set your mental channel this week to look for what God can do in the midst of your difficulties. Commit this goal to God in prayer, asking for the Holy Spirit to fine-tune your spiritual perception. Get together with your group again next year and tell them what you saw.

  CHAPTER 6: RELEASE THE FEELINGS

  What do you think about the concept: feeling as healing?

  Letting go requires us to feel and ride out our painful emotions. What painful emotions are you enduring at this time in your life?

  How can people support you in this process? What will you do to let them know?

  Are you more of a “fighter” or a “flighter”? Please explain.

  What part of Karen’s story was most meaningful to you and why? Pray individually for all the people in your group to grow in their ability to constructively release their feelings.

  CHAPTER 7: REVISIT THE BASICS

  Do you tend to look out for everyone else’s needs at the expense of your own? If so, why do you think that’s the case?

  Why is it so important to take good care of ourselves when we’re in the process of letting go of something near and dear to us?

  What is one small step you could take this week to improve your eating habits? Your sleep? Your exercise?

  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” What are some practical ways to love yourself?

  Sometimes the pain of letting go can be so consuming that we simply need to shift down into survival mode. What does “survival mode” mean to you? Pray together, asking God to show you some concrete, specific ways you can improve your self-care. Ask Him to empower each group member to follow through with these ideas this week.

  CHAPTER 8: REVISE EXPECTATIONS

  Read Job 30:26 again. Can you recall a time when you said something similar? Tell the group about it.

  Suppressing emotion is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. No matter what you do, it will keep popping up. I gave an example from my life. How have you seen this happen in yours?

  Read Luke 9:23–24. What does this say to you about your expectations?

  Do you need to revise your expectations to better fit the reality of a current situation? Please explain.

  What can make it difficult for you to revise your expectations? What can make it easier? Pray as a group, asking God to give you wisdom and insight as you revise your expectations.

  CHAPTER 9: REFOCUS

  Check your focus. Are you clinging to an ending, or preparing for a new beginning? Share your thoughts about this with your group.

  What did the “Welcome to Holland” story convey to you?

  Read Psalm 31:15. Describe your reaction to this comment: “I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.”

  Are you in a different place than you expected to be? Explain.

  God changes our history from a random series of sad incidents and accidents into a constant opportunity for a change of heart. How have you changed as a result of your painful losses? Offer prayers of thanks for the good and very special things about your life as it is today.

  CHAPTER 10: REST IN GOD

  When we let go, our disappointments and pain do not become the defining qualities of our lives. What does?

  One of the most difficult ingredients of letting go is time. Have you ever had moments when you wondered if you had what you needed to endure? Talk about it with your group.

  What did my story about Nathan in physical therapy say to you?

  Read Matthew 11:28–29. What do you hear the Lord saying to you through these verses?

  Resting in God brings renewal, refreshment, and peace. Join in a time of prayer for one another, asking God to help each person rest in Him in order to more effectively let go of disappointments and painful losses.

  We look on the woes of the world. We hear the whole creation, to use Paul’s language, groaning and laboring in pain. We see a few good men vainly striving to help the world into life and light; and in our sense of the awful magnitude of the problem and of our inability to do much, we cry out: “Where’s God? How can He bear this? Why doesn’t He do something?” And there is but one answer that satisfies: and that is the Incarnation and the Cross. God could not bear it. He has done something. He has done the utmost compatible with moral wisdom. He has entered into the fellowship of our suffering and misery and at infinite cost has taken the world upon His heart.

  BORDEN P. BROWNE

  “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.”

  JOHN 3:16, THE MESSAGE

  NOTES

  CHAPTER ONE

  1. Billy Graham, Billy Graham: The Inspirational Writings (Dallas: Word, 1995).

  2. Dr. Pamela Reeve, Parables of the Forest (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1989).

  CHAPTER TWO

  1. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 103–4.

  2. Ibid., 104–5.

  3. Ibid., 15–20.

  CHAPTER THREE

  1. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.:Multnomah, 1997), 23–6.

  2. Ibid., 31–3.

  3. Ibid., 26–8.

  4. Ibid., 33–4.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  1. Questions adapted from Alan D. Wright, The God Moment Principle (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1999), 14.

  2. These words were frequently spoken by my great-aunt Mildred Williamson.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  1. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 161–3.

  CHAPTER SIX

  1. Jean L
ush and Pam Vredevelt, Women and Stress (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1992), 17.

  2. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 158–9.

  3. Pam Vredevelt, Espresso for a Woman’s Spirit (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 2000), 161–73.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  1. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 115.

  2. Pam Vredevelt, Espresso for a Woman’s Spirit (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 2000), 193–4.

  3. Ibid., 116–7.

  CHAPTER NINE

  1. Emily Perl Kingley, from an October 1992 “Dear Abby” column appearing in the Oregonian.

  2. Pam Vredevelt, Angel Behind the Rocking Chair (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1997), 112–4.

  CHAPTER TEN

  1. Pam Vredevelt, Espresso for Your Spirit: Hope and Humor for Pooped Out Parents (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 1999), 124–6.

  You Can Worry Less

  Attention, chronic worriers: It is possible to reduce the intensity, frequency, and duration of painful episodes of anxiety without medication. Licensed counselor Pam Vredevelt draws from twenty years of clinical experience, scientific research, and scriptural insight to offer the reader tools for living a more peaceful and tranquil life. While worrying is for many a deeply embedded habit, because it was learned, it can be “unlearned.” With compassion and sound advice, Pam shows how.

  A Fresh Java Jolt for the Weary

  No one has limitless resources. Sooner or later, all of us will find our cup of enthusiasm draining or even downright dry. But just as espresso jump-starts a sluggish mind, Espresso for a Woman’s Spirit, Book 2 will reenergize the lagging spirit! Pam Vredevelt’s funny and poignant real-life stories remind readers that God is always faithful, always at work, and always full of everything we need, including guidance, love, compassion, and strength. Each “sip” of this heartwarming book provides just the right amount of get-up-and-go for those whose vigor has “gotten up and gone.”

  Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy

  Having lost a child, the author writes with compassionate insight to women and their families, addressing grief, anger, guilt, spiritual battles, and other pertinent topics.